Dealing with the 10 naira per Sachet Water Issue

As many of you know already, my name is Woobeu Gegekhido Gabuscore. I am the only aspirant (as far as I know) for Great Ife Student Union Presidential Seat. (If you haven't, read my manifesto here) I want to share with my numerous and ever growing fans what I will do on the 10-naira per Sachet Water Issue.

When I learnt that Sachet water (aka pure water) is now sold for 10-naira apiece on our great campus, I was not bothered. The thing is, under the influence of the spirit, Prophetess Madam Adisa had stated: “Education is for those who can afford it; it is not for everybody”. In the same way, sachet water is not for everyone; it is for those who can afford it.

Some of you might criticise my alignment with the words of that great prophetess. Well, unless you know someone else through whom I can apply to the management just in case I need some cash for a leadership conference in the United States, I am sticking with her!

Now, on the issue on ground, if I am elected, there are many things I will do to deal with the situation. The first thing is to ignore it for a while. You see, as your leader, I cannot be bother about little things like a room getting burnt, or students being robbed at Ibadan Road, not to talk of sachet water being sold for 10 naira.

After a while, some troublemakers might begin to ask questions and demand action. Moreover, one budding satirist might decide to use the issue to improve his writing skills. I cannot allow these things to happen for too long. It is not as if I need the confidence of Great Ife Students; after all, once I am elected, I will serve my term to the very last so I have no reason to fear. However, because I am nice, I will move to the next step.

The next thing is to blame it onthe dollar. Yes, the dollar! Let me explain it this way, the water is being imported from the United States. In fact, not just the water but also the nylon and the workers themselves. Therefore, when you import this much from the United States with the high exchange rate of dollar to naira, you cannot just but expect the prices to rise.

Someone might mention that the company producing OAU Sachet Water does not have to import anything. The first thing to ask is: how did that person know? Does such a company even exist? Even if it is true, well, you cannot expect them to give up this opportunity to increase revenue. Some people might call it greed, but I call it smartness. Besides, since they have increased the price of sachet water, it is only a matter of time (about 10 years) before the salaries of the factory workers are increased.

The next step is to visit the many women and few men at the butteries in all halls of residence. I am not sure of what I will do there, but I will make sure everyone knows I visited the butteries. I need to give the students the impression that I am doing something about it, at least to bind some students to foolishly defend my every action.

Once I have garnered enough support, I will announce that I want to install borehole machines and GP tanks in all halls of residence. Many of these students drink “Omole’s Water”. Therefore, they should welcome the idea. (It is ironical that these same students want Omole to vacate his office. If he does, will he not take “his water” with him?) I am trying to improve on the former administration. At a time, the man with the shinning head did something like that in Angola Hall, only for some people to complain that it was not working. I will not be like him!

For me, I will budget a large sum of money, say three hundred thousand naira for each hostel. Then I will present a budget of four hundred thousand naira to the Student Union Parliament. Those guys will clamour and claw each other over the budget. At the end, I will promise fifty thousand off each installation to some parliamentarians should they vote for the budget to be passed for three hundred and fifty thousand naira per installation.

That way, I am still on track with the originally budgeted sum of three hundred thousand per installation. Yeah, I know, I am a genius.

If you think I will spend three hundred thousand naira on borehole installation and GP tank per hostel, then you do not know anything! I will spend a little above half on the project. The other part will be for me, myself and my fans. Just so you know, most of the equipment will be second-hand and castoffs. The tanks will be repainted, of course. One thing is certain, however, the machines will work when I come around to commission them. This is necessary for two reasons: to give my supporters something to use in my defence and to allow me take on other projects.

I can assure you that the machines will not work after a month, but who cares? Great Ife students are resilient; they can cope with anything. Besides, all these talks of probing former leaders is all a farce. No one is ever probed in the real sense of the word. Hence, I have nothing to fear after my tenure. In fact, I am getting rid of my closet because I have no need to hide my skeletons.

And so while haters are complaining and the wise ones are either looking for ways to either afford sachet water or drink “Omole’s water”, I’ll use the “change” from the projects to get myself plenty of bottle water. After all, I can afford it.

That’s all for now.

Remember to vote for me when the ban is lifted.

Vote for the man who is willing to go the extra mile

Vote Woobeu for President

Until I Can No More

By Gracious Egedegbe

I am not going to pretend I don’t know you

Because I know you as well as I know myself

Question is: “How much do I know of myself?”

These days I find myself wanting you

Wanting your approval, wanting your smile

It’s beginning to turn into an addiction

They say not all addictions are bad

I say not all sayings are true

Sometimes I wonder what defines truth

So I am back to you

I mean my back is turned to you

But my heart still turns to you

After all said and “poemed”

I am still not going to ignore you

I will just watch you… until I can no more

W. G. Gabuscore's Manifesto

My people, though some of you may not know it, the time for election is near. Unlike several of my political opponents, I will like to divulge my divine plans for you and answer some of the questions that have been asked. For those who don’t know me, I’m Woobeu Gegekhido Gabuscore. I am a very honest and focused person. Two things you should look for is going the extra mile and looking at things from a different perspective.

First, you see, the present administration think they can embezzle public funds. Unfortunately for them and fortunately for you, I have a degree in siphoning public funds. All those national cake they are sharing will be like eggrolls when I am elected. I promise not to be like some public office holders who are chopping our money but growing thinner every day. You see them walking like emaciated rain-battered hens under the sun. Or are they under a curse? You better vote for a leader who looks like one in character and body. Oh don’t worry, unlike those stingy fools, most of you will have a share in the loot. That leads to my second point.

Most of you reading this will benefit from my administration (as long as you vote for me). Those of you in my campaign team will be promoted to chairmen and secretaries of well-funded committees where you are free to appropriate without interference. As for my numerous voters, there will be a thanksgiving party where food, drinks, dance and of course girls will be available beyond measure. Those that voted for my opponents will have to meet them if they want a share in the package; you have been warned!

The male hostel with the highest numbers of voters for me will have one of their blocks assigned to females. For the girls, the hostel will be allowed to have guys spend the night over, probably for security reasons and to study together. Ahem, females who want to stay in the male hostel and guys that want to study in female hostels will have to apply. These things will be subject to my approval, you know to prevent stories that itch the buttocks.

For those of you who wonder where I will get money to spend from, “dey there”. There are many ways to get money. First, Great Ife students have plenty of money pooled up in Student Union funds. I only need a befitting budget, something in the range of ten million, with a minimum of two million budgeted for phone calls. I will also introduce schemes like Great Ife Poverty Alleviation Scheme to help the poor men in my cabinet. Don’t worry, all of you that actively campaigned for me will also be elevated from poverty to wealth. If that doesn’t satisfy me, I will organize a show that will be the talk of Ife and its environs. I will get plenty of money from organizations, the student union purse and then demand for gate fees at the venue. Don’t worry, those that are affiliated to me will get free entry for themselves and their chikalas.

I hear cases of rape on our prestigious campus, and I am happy that people are coming out to talk about it. What I don’t like is the form of punishment melted out to them. Why should you beat a guy after a hard day’s work? When I’m elected, I will simply ask the girl if she enjoyed it or not, if she did, case closed. If she didn’t, she will be given an opportunity to repay the wrong that was done by raping the guy. If she doesn’t want to punish the guy, well she could ask for compensation in cash; that way we view it as a transaction in which the girl delivers and the guys pay. Is that not justice my people?

I was asked what I will do about the increase of theft in our halls. Well, I am not against one making any vocation a source of livelihood, however disagreeable it may be. What I don’t like is the fact that they are not regulated. I mean, someone will just wake up and claim to be a thief because he saw some potential business. So when I am elected, I will create an association which any potential thief will have to register with. Plus, you will have to pay trade permit, which will be a function of the business value. You don’t expect me to charge someone who stole a phone the amount I will charge the person who stole a laptop. Unlike most people, I am considerate.

To add to that, any one affiliated to my cabinet has the right to free practice. If you catch any of my people stealing, please keep your mouth shut. I am not like some other people o! I will deal with you in ways you cannot even imagine. For me, loyalty to my peeps trumps justice.

About the conditions in our hostels, well, it is very pitiable that things have worsen to this extent. However, we are not entirely helpless. As regards fans, I will award a contract to several of my political godfathers to deliver hand fans; yes, we are trying to be traditional. After all, most of you don’t have working fans in your homes. Don’t worry, one of them will surely deliver the goods. If not, well what do you have notebooks for?

For power supply, well I’m not PHCN, am I? Besides, you guys don’t pay PHCN bill so you should be grateful for whatever is given to you. After all, it’s said that only a thief wants to reap where he didn’t sow; you can be sure I won’t tolerate such in my administration (unless, of course, you are a registered thief). As for water, I will give all the students 25litres keg for water storage. That would be the welfare package you all are entitled to. After all, the taps run from time to time. When they do, I expect all students to be responsible and get some water for themselves. Sorry, the kegs are for a select few o. This is because my godfathers will need some of the money for personal use. Don’t worry, those who are able to get it will lend you if you ask them politely.

I hear complaints about inequality. Well I don’t believe in equality; rather I believe in quality. You don’t expect people with different qualities to be treated equally, do you? Your quality will determine how you will be treated. Have you not heard: some people protested at one time and were dealt with differently, some were unscathed, some suspended and some placed on probation. Those on probation had quality, and those that were unscathed had even more quality, get the point? If you want to have quality, join the winning team and contribute immensely.

As regards our school fees and closures, I blame the management. When you want to do things like this, you have to call the student leaders to a closed-door meeting. There you’ll intimate them on your plans, while you do that you make sure their pockets are growing in size. By the time you make it official, the student leaders would have settled all the noisemakers. Plus, you will grant free access to the school Wi-Fi. You can be sure that some ungrateful students will clamor for a congress and consequently a protest. To deal with that, I will simply march the student populace to Moro for a protest. I will make sure Great FM covers the entire event. I will also provide plenty of refreshments: this will be sourced from various means. While doing that, I will make sure lecturers still go to classes to teach. That way, those that came to study will be in class while the rest will be at CDL protesting forever if they like.

Great Ife Students, I have said enough for today. Those that are spiritual will know from the foregoing that my right to rule is divine. The unspiritual ones will say I have been saying rubbish. Thanks for your attention. God bless you.

Trial of Bonu Kuko

By Gracious Egedegbe

Lawyer:            Could you please introduce yourself to the court?

Bonu:                ok sir. My name na Bonu kuko. I be okada driver. No! I am an educated okada driver. (Beams with smile.) I be school till SS 2 before my papa go the next level.

Lawyer:            By ‘the next level’, you mean he’s dead, I suppose?

Bonu:                No! The useless man dey jail. He go arrange some kind tithe from one rich man like that na him they hold am. Instead make he call him friends, he go alone. Stingy man!

Lawyer:            All right, let’s return to you. Tell me about your relationship with Miss Sisi Gbameleti.

Bonu:                We be padi nau. When I first enter that compound na she I first meet. She be dey wash plate for outside when I come the house. As she see say I just dey look like educated idiot she come ask me wetin I dey find. Na him I tell am say I dey find the landlord. The girl nice o! She come leave her plate carry me go meet the landlord. As I come rent the house, she dey sometimes come dey greet me.

Lawyer:            And what is the nature of the “greetings” and how often did it happen?

Bonu:                Na normal greeting nau. Shey person no fit dey greet him neighbor ni? See am, na if she come from school and their room no dey open, she go just come for my place if I dey around.

Lawyer:            You’re a commercial motorcyclist or okada driver as you want to put it. How is it that you’re always around whenever she comes back from school?

Bonu:                See this man o! you dull sha. You no know say market no dey move well for afternoon abi you don too big wey you no sabi simple things? See am, make I update your brain small. Na early mo mo I dey first commot. Sometimes self, na me dey carry am and her brother go school. I go then work till around 12 for afternoon wey I go come house baff, chop, come rest. By 5:30, latest 6 for evening I don commot again.

Lawyer:            So can I safely assume you are always around every afternoon and she comes to your apartment during that period?

Bonu:                Something like that. But na Inter Milan. No, no be the word wey I won use be that. I mean say no be every time. Sometimes I dey go them my guys place.

Lawyer:            Ok. Apart from times when her door is locked, she doesn’t “greet” you? To use your words…

Bonu:                Well, she still dey come some other times nau. But na intermittently. No be so una dey put am? (Smiles) me self sabi oyibo nau. See am, oga lawyer I no go lie you because my hand dey clean. She dey sometimes help me do some kind things like cook, wash plate and sometimes we dey play together. (Court murmurs)

Court clerk:     Order!

Lawyer:            And what is the nature of the “play”? Does it involve physical contact of any kind?

Bonu:                (Smiles) See this lawyer o, your mind don spoil finish. Na normal play nau. We dey laugh, jump, normal rough play nau

Lawyer:            Hmm, rough play. Ok… Tell us about the day in which you were accused of raping her. You were also playing rough with her?

Bonu:                (Brightens up) Ehen! Na now you dey ask better question. (Looks at wristwatch) Time don go self. See am, that day na we too dey together. Her mama don go market and her brother don go one party like that. Na him she talk say make I on gen make we watch film. Me tell am say I no get petrol for gen and the one wey dey okada no plenty. I tell am say I don tire to go buy fuel. Say I won sleep. She no gree o! As I close my eyes say make I sleep, na so she jump on me say make I go on gen. As she jump on me, na so my body feel am (Court murmurs)

Court clerk:     Order!

Lawyer:            (Smiles, impressed by himself) What exactly do you mean by “body feel am”?

Bonu:                See this lawyer o! You never enter that level ni? Oya, answer!

Lawyer:            sir, this is not about me. It’s…

Bonu:                (Cuts in) Abegi, no give me your legalistic nonsense! You no be man? Oya…

Lawyer:            (Cuts in) Please sir, answer the question…

Bonu:                Na wa o. No be your fault, na because I no go school turn lawyer. Anyway, as a full-grown warri boy wey him blood still dey hot, I feel her body. In fact, I felt the excitement, fire and raw desire. It was like no other. I hope say that one don do you (Court murmurs)

Lawyer:            Thank you sir. So was that the first time you felt that way?

Bonu:                (looks scornfully) Baba, which level na? I be man nau. Abi you won to dey talk say you self no dey feel am?

Lawyer:            Just answer the…

Bonu:                (Cuts in) Abegi! This your hypocrisy don dey smell. E no dey irritate you ni? I talk say person dey come my house, say we dey play and you dey ask useless questions. Rubbish! Even she don feel am before. We sha use am laugh. Ask am if you think say I dey lie. (Court murmurs)

Lawyer:            Do you realize that the girl in question is still below consensual age?

Bonu:                Which one be consensual age? Shey that kind thing dey get age? Girls wey never even reach 16 self don dey do am. In fact, she was just recovering from a heartbreak when we became real close. So no dey give me shit make I chop.

Lawyer:            Alright, back to the day in question. After you felt it, what next?

Bonu:                As a sharp guy, me quickly be won arrange myself but she don notice. She come look am, come look my face, come dey smile.

Court:               (Shocked) Ha! (Murmurs)

Lawyer:            Go on

Bonu:                Na him she come dey do me “touch me I touch you”.  Me be no won gree because I no like wetin man go do come dey regret. But as e come be say she don dey enter the mood, na him me self respond as a man.

Lawyer:            So you had sex with her?

Bonu:                (Chuckles) Na so e bi o. next thing wey I go hear, she don get belle and na me rape am. Abeg, make una judge this matter, who rape who? No be her first rape me…

Lawyer:            (Cuts in) So you responded by… er… “raping” her?

Bonu:                guy, free me. You dey talk like say na bad thing I do. See am, the girl no b virgin o. no be say e matter then. But the way u come dey talk, I no dey understand. (Addresses the judge) Big mama, I dey hail o. as na you dey on top, na there you go dey chop breeze. Any person wey won bring you down go fall instead. See am, e b like say something dey happen here wey you never know. Na we two do am together, I no force am o. in fact, they b want make I marry am but I no gree. As they hear say I don win five milla for baba ijebu, they come talk say make I dey settle them. And me no gree.

Court:               Hmmm. Ha!! Na wa o

Lawyer:            (Cuts in) that is deviating…

Bonu:                (Cuts in) abegi! No be you I dey talk to. Your time don pass like expiring date. Big mama, as I dey yarn, next thing, they talk say the girl don carry belle. And me know how far. I no dey release for person body because I know how e dey end. Na him I tell them say I no go gree. Say na me give am belle, I for know.

Lawyer:            Mr Bonu, do you admit to having sexual relations with a girl below consensual age?

Buno:                which level nau? I don explain to you say the girl agree. I know say na the money una eye dey.

Lawyer:            My Lord, as evident from the testimony of the accused, Mr. Bonu had sexual relations with a girl below consensual age. This was against the wishes of his victim and has caused irreparable damage to the girl’s social and mental health, as well as her family. He also impregnated his victim, thereby hampering her education. I pray the court to award the sum of two million naira as damages.

Court:               Chai! Omo see money! Dariz God o!!

Light fades…. Bonu had been dreaming

Buno and Sisi are seen laying on a mattress laid on the floor. Bonu is wearing just a pair of shorts and Sisi is wearing a singlet and brief shorts. Just as Sisi jumps on Bonu, he opens his eyes, looks at her with shock and scorn and pushes her away.

Sisi:                    (Visibly shocked) what?

Bonu:                (Hisses. Stands up and picks up a pair of trouser hanging on a nail in the room.) I dey commot.

Sisi:                    (She walks to his back and hugs him from behind) You want to leave me behind or what? What did I do wrong?

Bonu:                Omote, just dey waka go your mama house. I no do. Abi na by force?

Sisi:                    (tries to caress him) Bonu love, talk to…

(Bonu forcibly pushes her out through the door, grabs a t-shirt and motorcycle’s key and walks out of the door. As bewildered Sisi looks on, he locks his door and walks away from her while he puts on the shirt. As he mounts his bike, he mutters to himself: “God punish all of una”)

The End

To repeat this lap I am

By Gracious Egedegbe (TheGray)

Cast down among the lasts
To repeat this lap I am
Cursed be the ties that bind
This genius' brain to Satan's hide

Of several hopes, I had none
Save the grace of The Great One
But now my sins do witness
Against me, against mercy

Justice now is served
And I am to run with my juniors
To be blessed I am
With the blessings of my indiscipline

To run again demands of the soul
Of its hope, of its pride, of its life
But to quit the race
Would be to quit the life I know

Torn between life and pride
I choose life lest I die
But I shall run again with pride
And dare to fail again

Blame It On The Dollar

By Gracious Egedegbe
(TheGray)

If you find items in the market too pricey
Blame it on the dollar

If your gf/bf doesn't call you often anymore
Blame it on the dollar

If your parents are yet to send you money from home
Blame it on the dollar

If you find it hard to read your notes
Blame it on the dollar

If your lecturers refuse to come to class
Blame it on the dollar

If you find it hard to answer test questions
Blame it on the dollar

If your friends are beginning to snub you
Blame it on the dollar

If you find yourself always going late to class
Blame it on the dollar

If there is no electricity
Blame it on the dollar

If there is no water
Blame it on the dollar

If your meals don't taste as good as they use to
Blame it on the dollar

If you don't have airtime on your phone
Blame it on the dollar

If you think I am jobless
Blame it on the dollar

If you're not going to share this post
Sorry, blame it on your lack of humour

STUDENT UNION VERSUS NASELS: THE UNTOLD STORY

Two wrongs do not make a right; they form a couple – which in turn parents other wrongs

Gracious Egedegbe, 2015

Allow me to dispense with introductions and get straight to the matter on ground

#TheToldStory

Getting the fact right can be a bit hard because I was not present at the scene and majority of the eyewitnesses are either pro-NASELS or pro-STUDENT UNION with the in-between decreasingly narrow.

I have however tried to get an almost perfect version.

On that fateful day, Immanuel Kant, the Student Union’s PRO, alongside some other guys, wanted to make an announcement to 200level students of the department of English currently having a lecture at ODLT. As it turned out, the lecturer, Prof Y.K. Yusuf would not allow such. He (at this point things get messy) told him to get out of the lecture room. Probably in a bid to explain himself, the PRO approached the lecturer and was pushed back. Soon, Hon Seun, Secretary General of the Student Union, “charged in” and interrupted the class. The story ends with both parties demanding apology letters.

#Facts

It has been a tradition as far as I can tell for the Student Union’s PRO to make announcements in classes during lecture hours. This is most probably to discharge his responsibility of disseminating information.

On the other hand, the lecturer is responsible for how he spends his lecture hour(s). Whether he decides to share his hour(s), with those who wish to make announcements, is entirely up to him.

As it turns out, the lecturer refused to allow the PRO intrude on his time. There is nothing wrong in that.

What is wrong, however, is the lecturer’s alleged approach. That is wrong on two counts. First, the PRO represents the generality of OAU student. He deserves by virtue of his position to be treated with respect. Furthermore, even if he were not serving in that capacity, he still does not deserve to be “shouted at” or even “pushed”. Let us assume this represents the “male wrong’; there is also the “female wrong”.

Hon Seun’s charge into the class certainly was not a good move. Even more, the “invasion” of CEC officials alongside pro-STUDENT UNION boys (some might read thugs) was certainly not a good move either. It was a rather crude way of dealing with a delicate matter. That was wrong on three counts. Culturally, the lecturer in question, no matter how wrong, should have be treated with respect.  Secondly, bringing guys (do not read thugs) would register in the mind of NASELS’ guys, an attempt to show physical might. Finally, it reeked of “near intimidation” and “power drunkenness” among others.

#WhenTwoElephantsFight

The Department of English boasts of over a 1000 students every session. They have a right to collectivity and loyalty when the need arises, even to their lecturers and executives. In addition to that, they form a quite a number of the eyewitnesses and can easily decide the narrative. They should however realize that they are a part of a whole; they do not stand alone. The Student Union represents the generality of Great Ife Students, Nasels alike.

The Student Union is the grand defender of Great Ife Students, or so it is expected to be. Its executives, among others, represent thousands of students. It is generally more recognized than any departmental association. As such, it can be compared with the Federal government with across-the-board duties and privileges. Despite all this, it must realize that it, like a human body, should not undermine any of its parts. There should be a constant striving for peace and unity

#TheGraySubmission

From the foregoing, it is obvious that two wrongs have breed quite a number of problems. It would also be clear to the seeing that no side is ready to back down. This is quite understandable for two reasons. First, pride is at the edge. Should a side back down, it would be a case of the victor and the vanquished. Secondly, there is the argument of precedence. The outcome of this “clash” would go a long way to decide how future events of similar nature would play out.

Nevertheless, it does not have to be that way. All parties should come in the spirit of humility, peace and unity and reach a compromise. No party can be absolved of any blame. “All have sinned!” Each party must accept their roles in the events that happened and apologize. As such, there will be no victor nor vanquished, just two groups of people who have shown maturity and intellectualism.

But then, what do I know?

Gracious Egedegbe

@IamTheGray

200 level, Dept of English

Ten reasons to have sex before marriage

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

How to stage a protest in OAU (and be successful!)

I recently learnt that the some student union central executives have been suspended. Already, talks are being held on what to do about it. I do not know the plans (or the planners) but I do know that whatever they plan to do will involve protests. Therefore, as the good student that I am, I will giving some advice on how to stage a protest.

You see, protest planning on OAU campus is a very tough thing to do; only a few succeed in achieving the overall aim. To successfully stage a protest, you must learn from the masters. Even the bible said, “You can’t be greater than your masters” (or something to that effect).

In the spirit of humility and diligence, I have carefully studied the ways of the masters and will be sharing them freely in subsequent paragraphs. A note of warning before we continue: follow these steps strictly; do not try to be smarter than the masters.

The first step is to wait until the problems to be protested against become unbearable. I mean, what is the sense in tackling issues before they are overblown? You will just end up working on your own with no glories attached. Besides, your opponents might say you are doing nothing. Worse of all, Great Ife students will just carry on their activities while you silently deal with issues as they arise. You were not elected to suffer “jhoor”. Forget talks of service to man and God, “baba chop life”.

The second step is to let people whisper your duties/responsibilities to you. This is very important. We all know you were selected/elected to represent and take decisive actions for the general interest but we have to make you do it. Even when common things like a room being burnt happens, wait for people to know about it. Then they will start giving you suggestions. This way, you make the students conscious of the fact that you represent them and involve them. Do not ever take the initiative on your own, no! Wait for when the situation becomes unbearable and the students begin to murmur. When there are agitations and talks of what to do, you move on to the third step.

The third step is to summon a congress. This is a very crucial stage. You see, the congress has the power to dictate the affairs of the union, but you must never allow that. You people are the bosses, the custodians of power. So you must make sure that the resolutions of the congress favours you and your cohorts. To do this is very simple. Just position your goons at various corners at the venue. When the time for submissions arises, signal your goons to give their opinions; opinions that will ultimately favour you guys. Remember not to call those of dissenting opinion; they have a way of ruining the entire congress in the name of freedom of speech, sincere student representation and other related nonsensical talks. Even if they get the chance to talk, use your power as an autocrat and decide on only actions that would be best for you and your people.

It is in this congress that you will decide to hold protests. You must ignore those who would advise consultation and meetings with the management. That is not right. We are Great Ife students; we do not value dialogue, no! We do not even know when principles must give way for compromise. We value protests and closing gates before we hold meetings and consultations even when they may achieve no result.

To make sure this works effectively, you must distance yourself from the pretenders masquerading as journalists on campus. After all, you can always create your own newsfeed on whatsapp, so you do not need them. Even more, going closer to them may expose you to unnecessary allegations like lying to Great Ife students and appropriating some small change to board “town gboro buses” with.

One important thing is that you must politicise the protest. Yes! This is extremely important. Whatever failure/setback you suffer must be because of those from other ideological camps and those who believe there are other practical ways to achieve the ultimate aim. Also, blame those journalists that would rather give a balance report than support you blindly in whatever action you take.

There are many other steps to take, but the ones above are enough for a start. However, be careful to avoid the following:

1. Meetings with the management even before school resumes on plans for student welfare. You do not want them to see you as genuinely interested in student welfare. Go to them only when you need cash for an international trip.
2. Interactions with journalists on how the press can be effectively used to exhibit the plight of Great Ife to the world in general and Nigerians in particular. Do not even do that, unless you want them to scrutinise your activities and “start doing amebo” to Great Ife students.
3. Inviting radio/television station and newspaper agencies to come and see for themselves the “glories” of OAU. There is no need for that. Our twitter accounts are enough.
4. Acquainting the world with events as they unfold rather than sit in the offices and prepare for protests. Don’t! Wait for the school to decide the narrative and start calling them liars
   
   
   I have said enough. In addition, er… everything that has been said was said under the influence…
   Thank you very much
   God bless Great Ife and the “masters”
   
   
   Gracious Egedegbe
   @IamTheGray

OF LEFTIES AND RIGHT MAN (COMEDY)

I am sitting in this bus stuck in a watertight hold-up trying to survive this excruciating heat along with the incessant laughter coming from the couple beside me. As it turns out, I decide to play a game of faces.

OF LEFTIES

The couple to my left is not married. In fact, I want to say they are not even engaged. I guess that the woman is from somewhere in Delta State; this is because she mentioned she has family in the region of Sapale, somewhere in Delta state. She also spooked with a near Warri accent. While on the other hand, the guy is either from cross river or Akwa Ibom.; this is predominately based on his unmistakable accent. Based on my presumed state of origins of the couple, I make the following assumptions.

1.  The girl feels she has met a potential maga. This is based on the general preposition that all delta women are dangerous to be in a relationship with if they do not love you. Besides, the guy is always buying the chewable for her without considering himself. As it turned out, he could not continue his selfless attitude for long as he soon takes a bite here and another there from the chewable the girl feasts on.
2. On the other hand, the guy is a "banger". This is also based on a preposition: that guys from either of the two aforementioned state are always looking for orifices to insert their ramrods into. Besides his hands were fond of going to strange places, which the girl seemed to appreciate (don’t ask me how I knew).
3. They have gotten sexually intimate or are about to do so. This is based on the carefree way in which they caressed their bodies. They are so free doing some sexually suggestive things in public that what they do in private is best left to imagination.
4. They are talkative. The only things worse than being a talkative is having two beside you when you’re rather in a foul mood. Boy, those pair could chatter for Africa.

RIGHT MAN
To my right I see a lone guy who plugs his ears all through the journey. He is most probably from Edo state or Delta state. This assumption is based on the dialect he spoke. The dialect seemed to have some undertones of Urhobo. He looks like the no nonsense type but such people rarely brag about their attitude; you simply see it oozing out from their actions. However, he looked like someone who thinks he’s always right (maybe that’s while he’s sitting by my right).

SCIENTIFIC MAXIMUM SHISHI (SMS): THE UNTOLD STORY

Defining the discourse

The topic before us is an interesting one. However, for an objective discourse to be achieved, we must understand the terms as they apply.

To start with, what is Scientific Maximum Shishi, popularly known as SMS?

It is, in dictionary terms, the use of corporal punishment to punish crimes. The crimes in this context are social vices.

Social vices are acts, activities and habits that are generally considered immoral, wicked and unacceptable. There is always the desire in any sane community to curb such acts. In this context, it refers, but not limited, to larceny, rape and physical assault.

Curbing, in this case, does not mean to stop. This is because, given the human peculiarities, such acts cannot be stopped totally. It is an attempt to reduce the frequency of such acts to minimum degrees.

Scientific Maximum Shishi (SMS)

The Scientific Maximum Shishi (SMS) was conceived out of a desire to curb social vices in the OAU students’ community internally. Offenders, caught or alleged, were beaten mercilessly by students with leather belts, and reportedly wires and taut ropes. This form of punishment, at a time, gained popularity among the student populace due to its speedy execution and seemingly transparency.

Proponents of SMS have argued that it instilled fear into possible offenders, made the offender regret his crime and served justice to all concerned. It was further argued that bodily pains and the resultant scars would forever remind the offender to desist from such dastardly acts.

SMS has been practiced for so long that it has become part of the OAU students’ community culture. Any one alleged for committing any crime is being interrogated with plans for SMS if such an offender confesses to the crime or, should he refuse to admit to his crimes, it is proven beyond all reasonable doubt that such a person committed the crime.

In recent times, this form of punishment has come under serious criticism, and for good reasons. These would be summarised under the following paragraphs.

SMS does not correctly equate the crime with the punishment. The beatings are executed with an almost disregard to the gravity of crimes committed. A rapist and a phone thief would almost certainly be subjected to the same degree of punishment. This has raised concern for many as far as justice is concerned.

Furthermore, the assumption that the punished (injured) offender would be less likely prone to commit other crimes is yet to be proven right. In fact, it is held in some quarters that severe corporal punishment increases the likelihood of further criminal acts, usually planned on a larger scale. This is also advanced by the fact that despite the continuous utilization of SMS, crimes are still being reported in the OAU students’ community.

Moving further, the physical and psychological consequences are grievous for alleged offenders who are later found to be innocent of crimes they were alleged to have committed. More often than not, executors of SMS would leave their victims with bone reaching scars and psychological trauma.

Another criticism is the manner with which suspects are confirmed guilty. It has been reported that for those not caught in the act, confessions are taken under duress, accompanied by intimidation and coercion. This does not tally with the intellectual attribute the campus community claims to reflect. It has been termed by many as “civilised jungle justice”.

There is also the accusation that its application lacks transparency. It was reported in recent times that those who were close to the centre would always receive a softer reprimand when accused of such social vices that would ordinary result in the execution of SMS for “unprivileged” offenders.

Alternative to Scientific Maximum Shishi (SMS).

Evident from preceding paragraphs, SMS has lost its effectiveness and inevitably its popularity as far as many students are concerned. While this cannot be gainsaid, there is still the need to curb social vices in a way that would deter possible offenders, punish offenders and yet avoid the shortcomings of SMS.

Several alternatives have been proposed that would effectively curb social vices if executed correctly and transparently. These alternatives, for the purpose of this discourse, are parading, community service and involvement of the school authorities.

Parading, which has always been part of SMS, is one veritable way of deterring social vices. In this, the offender(s) is paraded in all hostels of residence, male and female alike. The psychological effects exerted on the offender through public shame has a tremendous effect in curbing crimes, particularly on would-be offenders.

Another is community service. This refers to unpaid work for the community performed by any offender found guilty of crimes alleged to have been committed as an alternative to SMS. Examples of community service include social work, environmental cleanup, amongst others.

The involvement of the school authorities in dealing with offenders is a recent influx in the alternatives to SMS. The school authorities might, as an act of punishment, suspend the offenders for a semester and warn that subsequent crimes would attract a longer suspension or even expulsion.

In conclusion, it is obvious that SMS has outlived its effectiveness. It does not adequately serve justice, cannot be proven to deter embryonic offenders and has been applied unequally. There are other options that should be employed to curbing social vices in the OAU students’ community.

But then, what do I know?

Egedegbe Gracious

(IamTheGray)

200 level, Dept of English

Facebook.com/thegrayarchive

Twitter.com/iamthegray