My people, though some of you
may not know it, the time for election is near. Unlike several of my political
opponents, I will like to divulge my divine plans for you and answer some of
the questions that have been asked. For those who don’t know me, I’m Woobeu
Gegekhido Gabuscore. I am a very honest and focused person. Two things you
should look for is going the extra mile and looking at things from a different
perspective.
First, you see, the present
administration think they can embezzle public funds. Unfortunately for them and
fortunately for you, I have a degree in siphoning public funds. All those
national cake they are sharing will be like eggrolls when I am elected. I
promise not to be like some public office holders who are chopping our money but growing thinner every day. You see them
walking like emaciated rain-battered hens under the sun. Or are they under a
curse? You better vote for a leader who looks like one in character and body.
Oh don’t worry, unlike those stingy fools, most of you will have a share in the
loot. That leads to my second point.
Most of you reading this will
benefit from my administration (as long as you vote for me). Those of you in my
campaign team will be promoted to chairmen and secretaries of well-funded
committees where you are free to appropriate without interference. As for my
numerous voters, there will be a thanksgiving party where food, drinks, dance
and of course girls will be available beyond measure. Those that voted for my
opponents will have to meet them if they want a share in the package; you have
been warned!
The male hostel with the
highest numbers of voters for me will have one of their blocks assigned to
females. For the girls, the hostel will be allowed to have guys spend the night
over, probably for security reasons and to study together. Ahem, females who
want to stay in the male hostel and guys that want to study in female hostels
will have to apply. These things will be subject to my approval, you know to
prevent stories that itch the buttocks.
For those of you who wonder
where I will get money to spend from, “dey there”. There are many ways to get
money. First, Great Ife students have plenty of money pooled up in Student
Union funds. I only need a befitting budget, something in the range of ten
million, with a minimum of two million budgeted for phone calls. I will also
introduce schemes like Great Ife Poverty Alleviation Scheme to help the poor
men in my cabinet. Don’t worry, all of you that actively campaigned for me will
also be elevated from poverty to wealth. If that doesn’t satisfy me, I will
organize a show that will be the talk of Ife and its environs. I will get
plenty of money from organizations, the student union purse and then demand for
gate fees at the venue. Don’t worry, those that are affiliated to me will get
free entry for themselves and their chikalas.
I hear cases of rape on our
prestigious campus, and I am happy that people are coming out to talk about it.
What I don’t like is the form of punishment melted out to them. Why should you
beat a guy after a hard day’s work? When I’m elected, I will simply ask the
girl if she enjoyed it or not, if she did, case closed. If she didn’t, she will
be given an opportunity to repay the wrong that was done by raping the guy. If
she doesn’t want to punish the guy, well she could ask for compensation in
cash; that way we view it as a transaction in which the girl delivers and the
guys pay. Is that not justice my people?
I was asked what I will do
about the increase of theft in our halls. Well, I am not against one making any
vocation a source of livelihood, however disagreeable it may be. What I don’t
like is the fact that they are not regulated. I mean, someone will just wake up
and claim to be a thief because he saw some potential business. So when I am elected,
I will create an association which any potential thief will have to register
with. Plus, you will have to pay trade permit, which will be a function of the
business value. You don’t expect me to charge someone who stole a phone the
amount I will charge the person who stole a laptop. Unlike most people, I am
considerate.
To add to that, any one
affiliated to my cabinet has the right to free practice. If you catch any of my
people stealing, please keep your mouth shut. I am not like some other people o! I will deal with you in ways you
cannot even imagine. For me, loyalty to my peeps trumps justice.
About the conditions in our
hostels, well, it is very pitiable that things have worsen to this extent.
However, we are not entirely helpless. As regards fans, I will award a contract
to several of my political godfathers to deliver hand fans; yes, we are trying
to be traditional. After all, most of you don’t have working fans in your
homes. Don’t worry, one of them will surely deliver the goods. If not, well
what do you have notebooks for?
For power supply, well I’m not
PHCN, am I? Besides, you guys don’t pay PHCN bill so you should be grateful for
whatever is given to you. After all, it’s said that only a thief wants to reap
where he didn’t sow; you can be sure I won’t tolerate such in my administration
(unless, of course, you are a registered thief). As for water, I will give all
the students 25litres keg for water storage. That would be the welfare package
you all are entitled to. After all, the taps run from time to time. When they
do, I expect all students to be responsible and get some water for themselves.
Sorry, the kegs are for a select few o. This is because my godfathers will need
some of the money for personal use. Don’t worry, those who are able to get it
will lend you if you ask them politely.
I hear complaints about
inequality. Well I don’t believe in equality; rather I believe in quality. You
don’t expect people with different qualities to be treated equally, do you? Your
quality will determine how you will be treated. Have you not heard: some people
protested at one time and were dealt with differently, some were unscathed, some
suspended and some placed on probation. Those on probation had quality, and those that were
unscathed had even more quality, get the point? If you want to have quality, join
the winning team and contribute immensely.
As regards our school fees and
closures, I blame the management. When you want to do things like this, you
have to call the student leaders to a closed-door meeting. There you’ll
intimate them on your plans, while you do that you make sure their pockets are
growing in size. By the time you make it official, the student leaders would
have settled all the noisemakers. Plus, you will grant free access to the school
Wi-Fi. You can be sure that some ungrateful students will clamor for a congress
and consequently a protest. To deal with that, I will simply march the student
populace to Moro for a protest. I will make sure Great FM covers the entire
event. I will also provide plenty of refreshments: this will be sourced from
various means. While doing that, I will make sure lecturers still go to classes
to teach. That way, those that came to study will be in class while the rest
will be at CDL protesting forever if they like.
Great Ife Students, I have said
enough for today. Those that are spiritual will know from the foregoing that my
right to rule is divine. The unspiritual ones will say I have been saying
rubbish. Thanks for your attention. God bless you.
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